However, I recently read an essay from The Washington Post’s Leslie Morgan Steiner’s book, Mommy Wars, which shed light on this phenomenon of passing judgment. It has me thinking and acting in a whole new way. The coined phrase that’s got me all excited is: “That’s not for me.” In this essay, the author confesses that she too was guilty of passing judgment–specifically on mothers who either worked outside the home (thereby ignoring their children!), or mothers who stayed at home (thereby, turning their brains to mush and having too much time on their hands!). In either case, the mother was doomed, and the judgment was made. But instead of joining in the ranks with her gossipy friends and tearing into these mothers’ decisions, this author started just saying, “that’s not for me,” when she disagreed with someone’s decisions, simple as that. She didn’t say, “Poor, Liam. She never plays with him! She’s so selfish to work like that.” Rather, she said, “Well, her choice to work instead of stay at home, that’s not for me.” End of story. No indulgement, no character defamation, no slander, nothing. I LOVE THIS! I find this so refreshing and easy to use! “That’s not for me.”

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend about the H1N1 vaccine. We were sanitizing our hands, talking about whether or not we believe in getting the vaccination for children and ourselves. Coincidentally, we had both experienced someone passing judgment about actually getting the vaccine. “I would never expose my child to those kinds of chemicals. We have no idea what’s in there,” one mother had said (after the child was vaccinated…Um…thanks. I’m an awful person). “Just wash your hands,” she continued. Now, instead of passing judgment and making us feel bad about the decision to get vaccinated, or to vaccinate our children, this woman might have simply said, “Oh, really? You got vaccinated? That’s not for me.” Done. We got it. We know you don’t like the vaccine, but we don’t have to hear you go on about how we have poisoned our children and exposed ourselves to the potential for paralysis. Keep your opinions and judgments to yourself. They are not helping anyone here. Granted, it’s easier said than done, and I will step off my soapbox for the day.

Like I said, I’ve been guilty of being Judge Judy on way too many occasions. I’m just glad I discovered this wonderful phrase early enough in my life to prevent me from pounding down that gavel much more. It’s not healthy; it’s toxic. Oh, wait…Guess I should just say, “Judgment? That’s not for me.”

1)      In married couples where both the male and female work, men put in an annual average of 2,208 hours at work in the labor force and 397 annual hours of housework. Women reported working 1,531 hours in the labor force and doing 1,040 annual hours of housework.

2)      In married couples where only the male worked, men put in an average of 2,080 annual hours in the labor force, and 373 hours of housework. And women put in 0 hours in the labor force and 1,246 annual hours of housework.

3)      In female heads of households, where no male is present, the women put in 1,558 annual hours in the labor force and 791 hours of housework.  

In general, the findings in this study indicate that women commit more hours to housework than men, but fewer hours in the labor force. And individuals who work both in the home and the labor force, regardless of sex, commit a similar number of total hours of labor (at work and at home) during the year  (44-50 hours per week). But, the results vary when you factor in taking care of children. In this instance, women working outside the home spend less time on housework, regardless of the number of children, than women who don’t work outside the home and whose husbands earn the living. In addition, working women in female-headed households spend less time on housework than stay-at-home women, regardless of the number of children. For men, as the number of children increases, their hours of housework remain small. According to Ciscel and Sharp, men with children generally work more hours in the labor force and earn higher incomes as the number of children increases, “but there are significant variations to this rule.”

 Ciscel and Sharp acknowledge the limitations of their data, as many participants could exaggerate the number of hours they worked in the home and in the labor force (scientists can’t follow study participants in their homes to track who is pushing the Swiffer mop and who is taking out the trash).The findings are based on self-report of participants and therefore room for error must be acknowledged. In addition, these data were collected in 1995, and the workforce has changed dramatically since then. Similarly, same-sex couples were not included in this study, as well as single-families with male heads of households.

OOOOHHHHKKKAYY…that was a mouthful! So, what can we gather from this? Well, from the findings, women do more housework than men, but they work fewer hours in the labor force. Now speaking of taking out the trash, HOW the housework is divided is also up for discussion. I recently read Steve Harvey’s New York Times Bestseller, Act Like a Lady ,Think Like a Man. In this book, Harvey says that women should insist on their husbands doing “manly” things, such as taking out the trash and doing heavy lifting. This, he says, makes  them feel needed and more like “men.” Women, Harvey says, should keep the house clean, especially if they want a marriage proposal, as men don’t want to settle down with a messy woman. Wow…kinda harsh, and very subjective. And not necessarily true. In response to my former blog, one anonymous man stated that “men are happier because they don’t let something dirty or broken in the house bother them. “

Now, for me, I have Obsessive Compulsive tendencies (read the Germ Phobe blog below), so my house is always spic and span–more out of anxiety than any urgency to keep my husband from running. Secondly, I do ALL the trash and recycling–always–and the heavy lifting, if needed, and car washing…So, I certainly do not abide by Steve Harvey’s rule there. But, in general, my household is similar to the findings reported by Ciscel and Sharp: I work more hours of housework but less in the labor force, and my husband is the opposite…

So what say you? How are household labors divided in your house? Let’s do an impromptu survey online and keep this discussion rolling…

The New York Times

Sigh…Nothing new here, really, except that it seems to have sparked some anger among readers. And I’m not sure of the validity of these studies…But many readers criticized Dowd for depicting women as too vulnerable and sensitive, not giving them enough credit. Furthermore, Dowd quoted Betsey Stevenson, an Assistant Professor at Wharton, who said, “Across the happiness data, the one thing in life that will make you less happy is having children.” This definitely fueled the fire among readers. Dowd is referring to a paper written by Stevenson and Justin Wolfers entitled “The Paradox of Declining Happiness,” which provides evidence that women report being less happy than they were 35 years ago. These findings were consistent among both working and non-working women, married and single women, and highly-educated and less-educated women. Lastly, women with kids reported being more unhappy than women without kids.

So what does all this mean? For one thing, it seems utterly subjective, to me. Some women do feel thwarted and “distracted” by too many options and choices. Yet, others are grateful for the opportunities created by the feminists who came before us. In my experience, if you refer back to my “Unleashing Your Inner Green Monster” blog, I definitely struggle on a daily basis between being the “career super star” that I’d like to be and having a successful family and home life. I am sure there are plenty of women who can do both, and who do both very well. I know some of these women. But I must say, I was struck at a recent dinner out with friends when a woman who is a partner at a huge law firm in a big city, who now has three young children, said to me, “Nothing matters once you have the kids. You won’t even care about your job.” And this was coming from The Partner! I was seriously stunned. It made me think–will I not care? Is this for real? I don’t know, but I did find it interesting, and it did seem counter to what Stevenson said about a person’s happiness plummeting once children arrive.

Freakonomics Author Steven Levitt surmised why women may have reported being more unhappy now than they were in 1972. Levitt believes one of the main reasons we see a decline now is that “there was enormous social pressure on women in the old days to pretend they were happy even when they weren’t.” Now, he says, women are more free to express disappointment and dissatisfaction with their lives. I agree with Levitt that we women do have the freedom to share our regrets and troubles, but I disagree that it’s okay in all social circles to do so. In fact, I even have a private “club” with one of my dear friends here, called the “Fabulous Club,” where we feel free to tell each other all of our woes and complaints, so that when we go out in public we can simply respond that we’re feeling “fabulous.” Truth is, even today, no one really appreciates the Debbie Downer. Check your troubles at the party door. And all of us want to appear “fab” on some level, no?

Again, I can’t say I’m any less happy than my mother was back in 1972…And I am grateful for the pathways paved by women such as Gloria Steinem, Shirley Chisholm, and Hillary Clinton…But I can say I struggle with the choices and the need to be “fabulous” in every aspect of my life. Does this struggle make me “unhappy?” No, not necessarily…sometimes…I think we all have our off-days.

So now when I see the return of this Flashdance style in magazines and on runways, I can’t help but wonder if it’s some kind of joke. I mean, is anyone else dreading the comeback of ‘80s fashions: leggings, jumpsuits, ripped and peg-legged jeans, and over-the-knee boots? These are all on the fashion hot list for fall…it, unfortunately, seems.  Now, for some of us, it might mean we can finally sport that fringe purse we saved in the back of our closet for years. And, hey, that’s a good thing. But c’mon now…the horizontal striped leggings in three different colors? I’m sorry–unless you’re getting a job at the Barnstable County Fair, those are just awfully wrong on most anybody, or any body.

Despite my lack of zeal for this fall’s fashions, I did venture out and buy myself a pair of T-strapped bootie sandals. These are all the rage. Yeah, I know….totally riske…and totally not me. I always choose comfort over style when it comes to shoes. But, this time, I wanted to take a risk. It’s a new school year! New school shoes for me! (Or maybe I just had a really “ugly” day and needed a makeover and some shop therapy). So, I bought myself a pair of these 4-inch heeled booties and sported them out to a wedding in Woods Hole this weekend. I have to admit, I was a bit nervous to rock these things in The Hole. But, I did in fact receive a multitude of compliments! And all of those people (read: my husband) who say that no one notices shoes, well, they’re dead wrong. These suckers were noticed, and in a good way (well, at least to my face).

So, before we shun some of the more trendy fashions, maybe we should think twice and go out on a limb. You never know; you may find yourself surprised by your ability to wear something that was once unimaginable!

Have you ever spent hours cyber-stalking an ex-partner, a high school friend, or a former coworker only to realize two hours later that you’re plagued with anxiety and low-self worth, not to mention you’ve lost 120 minutes in your so-far unproductive day? Well, that’s what just happened to me. Yes, my former peer, I just learned online, is now a published author and has a celebrity blog named “best of the best” by several media outlets.

How, I wonder, did this happen– that she is doing so well in life, and here I am doing…exactly what?! We were all in the same horse race back in our 20′s—and here she was leagues ahead! Like Seabiscuit, she did laps around me and left me in the dust. And I always thought I rode the faster horse! I was on my way up, and she was merely…well, mediocre? Or so I thought…my green monster was unleashed and reeling…its talons writhing, clicking furiously on various internet links.

I called my sister to vent my hostility (read: free-floating anxiety) and sadness, seeking empathy. “You are so not a loser,” she reassured me (though, whenever someone says this to you, you know that in fact you are on the edge of loserdom).  “You have so many other things in your life to be happy about–your marriage, living on the Cape, your house and your family– that maybe she doesn’t.”

I imagine my celebrity peer, writing in her cramped New York City apartment, dreaming of an upgrade.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” I said, buttering my toast and looking out onto the pond in my backyard.

But is she right, I second-guess? How does one measure success? Is it personal happiness, good health and freedom? Or is it a best-seller and a sparkling CV? I often struggle with this question, almost daily (maybe I need to take up another hobby–making God’s Eyes, Latchook Rugs?). “How will I feel when it’s all said and done?” I wonder. Grim, I know. But, hey, that’s me. “Will I be happy? Will I feel like I lived up to my potential?”

I have this conversation with my brother-in-law once a year over a glass of Merlot after Christmas dinner. We sit and pontificate on what it means to be happy. We often land on the side of, “Happiness is your friends and family, good health, freedom to make choices. That’s all that matters in the end.”  But as I pull out the snowy driveway, I sometimes wonder if we’re just making excuses to make ourselves to feel better about the choices we’ve made.  

I still don’t know the right answer to what makes someone happy, and I guess I never will. It’s a personal thing. Perhaps this is all part of the human condition, right? Does anyone else feel this way? Or do I think too much?

SNORE. I’m sorry; but, I mean, can we enjoy anything “bad” for us these days? Here I am, drinking my third cup of coffee this morning–most likely severely dehydrated and definitely the opposite of “calm”–and this article just unnerved me. I definitely see the importance in exercise, diet, mindfulness, and finding your true and authentic self…don’t get me wrong. These are very important, and my bookshelf is admittedly stocked with self-help literature. But, at some point, can we just call it a day with everything being so….healthy? The magazines, newspapers, food labels, television ads, and self-help books are all about this healthy and spiritual movement. And it’s now a huge trend among younger “stylish” folks, donning their Lulu Lemon yoga gear and declaring dairy the evil incarnate (a la Rory Freedman’s hit book, Skinny Bitch). Ten years ago , it seemed it was more of a “hippie” thing to do- to embrace yoga and raw food. Now, you are almost an outlier for not doing so. It’s no wonder that the AMC TV show Mad Men is such a hit–people are in jubilant disbelief at the amount of brandy and cigarettes these characters consume in a day, even while working, and even more so while pregnant. This is utter blasphemy, so to watch it happening on TV inspires guilty glee–at least for me.

So, on that note, I will go replenish my coffee and then maybe eat a fiber-free, white bread English muffin.

You’re sitting at your computer, intensely focused–finally–after hours of procrastination  and, okay, a few minutes extra at the water cooler or sitting out in the sun… and “BLEEP,” a sound alerts you and a window pops up: you have an Instant Message, or “IM” from a friend.

                “What’cha up to?” it reads.

Um, okay, seriously? “I’m working” is what you’d like to type, (followed by an angry-faced emoticon >:( )

But, no…Feeling the guilt of ‘IM etiquette,’ you politely reply:

                “Not much. U?” or “Just working”–something nice to that effect.

The conversation goes on for a few minutes, chatting meaninglessly, and then you finally muster up the confidence to say, “Gotta run! TTYL!” (For those of you not familiar with IM abbreviations, “TTYL” stands for “Talk to you Later”).

Now, that was a somewhat typical, civil, harmless IM encounter. However, this is not always the case. Sometimes, you might be hard at work–or not so hard–at your desk, and an unfortunate IM pops up from an ex-boyfriend while you’re checking your Facebook account.

“Miss me?” he/she says, or something aggravating and unnerving to that effect.

What do you do? Do you write back? Or quickly sign off, hoping he/she didn’t think you got the message? I like to quickly sign off…But if you do engage in the brief and meaningless encounter, the rest of your day and productivity is at risk. What if an argument ensues, or he/she drops the bomb about being engaged and finding “the one?” Or, if not the IM from the ex-, you get one from a drama-loving friend, who quickly hashes a fight with you and tells you that you somehow hurt her feelings by not calling her back for the umpteenth time this week. Then you’re subjected to guilt for the remainder of the day. So long, work day!

Now similar to IMing, we also have texting. Receiving a text, for example, at an inopportune time can certainly be a disaster in terms of maintaining focus. Not to mention, isn’t it rude to text back while you’re enjoying your time with someone else? What exactly is the etiquette these days of texting? In my opinion, phones should not be set out on the table while you’re lunching with a pal. And texting in the middle of a conversation is the ultimate offense. But it seems, particularly among the younger generation (and I’m talking teens and college kids), it’s not even an issue. For them, texting during a eulogy is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. “What?”!” they shrug, when you throw them a punitive glance.

The etiquette of IMing and texting alike is certainly a hazy subject area. Where’s Emily Post when we need her the most? Should laws be written forbidding texting while socializing? If it’s against the law to text and drive, why not extend that further to no texting while out to dinner? Maybe I sound like a bitter, techno-hating scrag, but at least if you’re hanging with me, you’ve got my full and undivided–non- IMing and texting–attention.

Top 12 Do’s and Don’ts of Texting/IMing

1. Don’t have a fight over IM/Text
2. Do text to tell someone you love them.
3. Don’t IM/text anything too personal or emotional, such as a break-up or giving notice.
4. Do text if you quickly want to relay information to someone without bothering them.
5. Don’t substitute a text for a phone call. For example, if you are dating someone, saying “Hey, what’s up?” is NOT good enough!
6. Don’t text at the dinner table or while a friend is telling you something personal.
7. Don’t IM with your BFF while at work, especially if your boss is around and can hear you typing quickly and laughing. She/He knows you are not that enthralled with a  client’s email.
8. Do text /IM when making plans and need to let someone know that you’ve changed locations for meeting up.
9. Don’t hit return after two words on an IM. Just write the complete sentence and then hit return. No one wants to wait with the blinking cursor to find out the remainder of your thought.
10. Don’t send up-to-the-minute texts of where you are and that you don’t have a plan yet. Save it for the one final text when you have a destination.  :(
11. Don’t send an off-color joke that can be misinterpreted over text.
12. Do use IM at work to efficiently communicate with your co-workers, rather than stopping by their office and interrupting them.

Well, now we do, and it’s led to an increasing popularity in a variety of water bottles that are not plastic but rather made of stainless steel, aluminum and glass. One particularly fashionable variety is made by the Swiss company SIGG. It’s aluminum and comes in a variety of colors with pretty designs. Just this weekend, my friend Skye sported a SIGG bottle that was pastel pink with butterflies and reeds on it. I have to say, I coveted it! It looks like something straight out of Anthropologie. The SIGG company asserts the lining in the bottles is leach proof and safe for storing drinking water.

Another stylish bottle, and perhaps less flashy, is the “Klean Kanteen,” made of BPA-free, food-grade stainless steel. These are the bottle of choice for many athletes, campers and no-frills peops. And our old friend Nalgene, who was criticized for their potentially carcinogenic plastic bottles in the past, has now improved their product and deemed it safe. Long gone is the “bad” plastic. Drinkers of Nalgene can once again enjoy drinking from its wide mouth.

Lastly, glass is back and keeps the drinking water tasting fresh. Afraid it will break? No worries! A number of companies are selling glass bottles with rubber sleeves around them, keeping them shatter-free. So while staying hydrated in the hot days of summer, think twice about buying that bottle of water. B.Y.O.W. and save money staying green!

An embarrassing thing happened to me at a wedding this weekend. My sister-in-law, perfectly clean and germ free, tasted something “gross” and swooped in for a drink of my wine to rid her mouth of the awful taste. Reacting on impulse (as opposed to  the usual way I react–with hours of thought and analysis, perhaps some phone calls seeking reassurance from friends), I nearly dove backward, balancing the wine glass stem in my hand screaming, “Wait! No, I hate sharing drinks!” She looked at me flabbergasted. “Oh, I had no idea,” she said, “Wow. That’s embarrassing.” But, no! I was the one embarrassed… and ashamed. I mean, couldn’t I just let it go? Just this one time? Truth be told, I have let it go, many a time, always telling myself, “No worries; the alcohol will kill any germs.”

But what about that nasty lemon or dirty lime the bartender squeezed into my seltzer? I, in fact, saw him manhandling money before that–a known culprit for debris! (I surreptitiously remove the lemon, trying  to stab it out with my fork, God forbid take it out with my own nappy paws).

Being a germ-phobe is a somewhat common phenomenon these days. But I’ve noticed a recent backlash. Gone are the days of lauding the antibacterial this or that. Today, people want to be exposed to germs, it seems! “You’re creating a Superbug,” they tell me, as I maniacally squeeze the last drops out of my hand sanitizer. “Your kid is going to be a freak and have no immune system!” So, here I stand…the lone wolf…bathing in her Purell and standing by her need for a plastic, microbe-free bubble…  

So while I’m on the self-pitying rant, I’ll delve into some hidden demons that cause my germ-ridden bells to ring loud and clear. First, the drive through phone at the Rite Aid pharmacy. Pulling my shirt over my hand to pick up the phone, I hold it two feet from my face, asking for my prescription. My husband looks at me with disdain, and I simply turn to him and say, “What? Would this dirty phone ever bother you,” to which he emphatically replies “No” every time. Then, there’s the movie theater seats–could that red and black, damp cloth be any grosser? It’s so wet that of course it’s a Petri dish! I slouch far down, resting my head and all body parts on my coat throughout. Or what about the filthy pens that you’re supposed to sign your ATM slips with? I’ve indeed seen people cough, like Typhoid Mary-style, while using it! And I’m supposed to willingly use it and not grab for my Purell after?

I am trying, folks, to curb these tendencies. I know it’s not normal…and it’s so out of “Style.” I truly apologize if I’m causing any bug to grow Super! I’m going to try to improve, really I will. Implosion therapy, here I come! 

For now, I’ll take baby steps: let that random person use my cell phone without  swabbing it in alcohol after; eat one of those “Hep B” mints that sits out in the bowl at restaurants; enjoy an open salad bar, grabbing each and every dirty tong; perhaps let someone lick my ice cream, without throwing it out afterward.  So, to my embarrassment and shame, I confess my “clean” sin. I’m working on it folks…just don’t use my pen…

 Summer is in full swing, and the sun is beating down hot. But are your fashions “hot” as well? Let’s check into summer trends…First, the early-’80s have made a comeback with the Aviator-style sunglasses. Worn by hottie pilots Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer in Top Gun, these shades are back on the rise for both men and women this season. Brands like Ray Ban and Maui Jim seem to be the most popular, but any imitation will suffice for that look. Also a blast from the past, fringe is back on the scene, especially on purses for women. That ’70s fringe, dangling from moccasin boots, suede jackets, and even some bathing suits is definitely back in style. Speaking of bathing suits, there’s an interesting trend going on where teens and 20-somethings dare not match their bikini top with their bikini bottom. Gone are the days of matching sets! It’s almost cooler to have a polka dot bandeau bikini top with a striped bikini bottom. (Guess that’s good for those of us who outgrow one of the pieces…It’ll double our bathing suit selection!). Also popular among teens and the younger folk are old-school rope bracelets, but now they have beads woven into them. Thinner and more intricate, these bracelets have a bit of old Cape Cod and urban flare.

Since we’re on the topic of accessories, I’ll delve into the latest “mancessory,” (a.k.a., accessory for men), which is the straw fedora hat. Women are sporting these too, a la Lauren Conrad and Stephanie Pratt on MTV’s The Hills. Perfect for the beach but also at night with a lightweight sport coat, these hats are happening. Other popular styles for men are the Robert Graham shirts–the ones where the cuffs and collars fold up to reveal some colorful, swanky pattern that doesn’t necessarily match the pinstripes on the shirt? The bright colors on the cuffs make it more wearable for those men scared to delve into the rainbow palette. And speaking of colors, tropical colors, like canary yellow and bright sun orange are definitely in for men and women’s fashions this summer.

Lastly, moving onto shoes, gladiator sandals–strappy, in silver or gold–are still a hit. And for more casual wear, the Havaianas flip flops are a go-to. Or for people in Woods Hole and Falmouth, the “Locals” flops are an annual choice. Crocs for kids on the beach are still in fashion. But, for adults, I’d save those for the garden or the beach.

 Hopefully our rainy days have passed. But, if you leave the beach and hit the stores, hope these fashion tips will help. Happy shopping!